i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
