I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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