He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
