i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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