I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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