Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
