I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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