I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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