everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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