did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
