I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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