dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Two words: nipple clamps
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
