wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
