apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
