Ambien. No doubt about it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
