The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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