the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
