i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
