Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
