Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
