for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
