kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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