Your face is a jimmy john
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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