I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
