Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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