I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
