dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
