please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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