I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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