You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
