yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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