Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize