If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
