I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
