He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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