No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
