She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
