At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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