Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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