yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
