guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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