So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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