smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We left an ass print on the piano.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
