So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
