Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to make out with him forever
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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