yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Randomize
