They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you inspire me to be a worse person
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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