youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
