I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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