he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
