It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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