i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
