I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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