The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
