please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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