The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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