I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
