Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
